This is the world we live in now. A world where people write bile-filled letters to the Daily Express whenever someone says the word ‘arse’ on TV, and old ladies tut judgmentally to each other while saying “I knew it!” every time the police find an XBOX in the home of a serial killer. You’d think it might be easy to ignore them, especially the Express readers. All you have to do is show them a picture of Princess Diana and they’ll completely forget what it was they were doing. But the fact is those of us who realise that swearing in TV and games is no more harmful to the British public than some of the shit printed in the Sun are being swamped by concerned parents and government officials demanding that Squidward Tentacles puts trousers on, or whatever it is they moan about. These moral crusades change nothing, and just provide further proof of how futile it is to try and fix something that isn’t broken. Continue reading
I need to stop doing this to myself. Every year I stand on a balcony overlooking the town centre and yell “no! no more of this!” while frustrated men of all ages walk past and raise their fists in solidarity with my futile cause. But, like a non-sexual form of masochism, I find myself returning to FIFA’s annual offering time and time again like an abused spouse returning to their partner. Because hey, nothing says ‘I love you’ like a swift kick to the balls, right? Anyway, FIFA 13. Continue reading
As a poor student I find it hard to afford games, which means I’m going to have to wait until Christmas to play any of the big new releases, except Arkham City. As such, I find myself having to either trawl the internet in search of games or just play Red Dead Redemption again. Of course, I forgot that about 98% of internet games are terrible, and became very short of article ideas until I remembered that Minecraft has a new update out, so I’m going to talk about that. However I quickly realised that it’s pretty much the same as it has been for the last 6 updates; there’s potions now, though, just in case you were worried Minecraft didn’t quite have enough pointless shit before, and now there’s hardcore mode, which is essentially regular Minecraft, but the important distinction is if you die the game deletes your world and you have to start over. Now if there’s one thing I like it’s a challenge, and as a regular player it seemed to almost be my duty to try out the new update, so I decided to jump straight into that and record my thoughts. And if you don’t like it then kindly shut up, because it’s my webpage and I can do what I like. Continue reading
I have to be honest, I don’t often look towards the future. If you believe anything you read or see it’s all going to end one of 2 ways: either we’re all going to die from fire or flooding; or China’s going to buy all of us and force us all to make inferior products for Mattel. One small shred of comfort, though, is that, if the last one’s anything to go by, we’re not due a religious rapture. Although Simon Cowell’s massively fixed TV shows still exist, so maybe it’s just taking a little longer than everyone thought. The general consensus is that we’re all going to die because we’ve buggered up the environment, so Brink’s had the good idea of showing us what that future will be like. Continue reading
So the plan at the time I originally wrote this was to review the new DLC for Fallout: New Vegas, “Dead Money”, but since the PlayStation Network is down I felt I may as well do a retrospective review while I waited for L.A. Noire to come out or for PSN to come back online (whichever came first).
Everybody loves LEGO, don’t they? Yes you do. You at the back, sir, don’t pretend you don’t. Small blocks of every colour imaginable (well, about 6 colours) that you can mould into any shape you want, so long as what you’re going for is an even more pixel-y representation of the aliens from Space Invaders, and millions of simultaneous cries of expletives as parents step on the 12,000 blocks of the stuff that their shitty little kids leave lying on every floor of every room in the house. In fact, so popular did these toys/ burglar deterrents prove to be that the company decided video games would be a fantastic way to expand their empire. Continue reading
Should any of you have time in your busy schedules, in between sleeping and cursing the futility of your lives, gather round and I shall tell you a tale that has found a permanent place in gaming folklore. A long time ago (about 4 years to be exact), a company called valve, having taken an absolute age to bring out Half-Life 2, issued by way of apology for the even longer wait for the next instalment a small bundle of games known as “The Orange Box”. On this disc was a game called “Portal” which, despite the lack of time and effort put into making it, became instantly beloved by nerds the world over. And lo, did the fanboys gain something other than HALO to constantly crap on about to people who just do not care. And it was thus, that those same fanboys did that day gain the ability to sprout a great big hard-on the second anyone mentions the word “cake”. Continue reading
It’s times like this you have to feel sorry for America’s enemies (wow, I can see that being taken out of context and put on the internet, but anyway). There they are minding their own business and getting up to… whatever it is they do, when suddenly out comes a game or a movie in which they’re shown herding Americans into camps, they become convenient hate figure of the week, and the US gets its fresh wave of patriots ready to fight the good fight. It’s genuinely disconcerting seeing how much joy they get out of making these games. Look at Red Dawn, or Modern Warfare 2. You wonder if they might actually be looking forward to it just a teeny bit. Anyway, it’s time for America’s latest invasion love-in, so step forward Homefront. Continue reading