As a poor student I find it hard to afford games, which means I’m going to have to wait until Christmas to play any of the big new releases, except Arkham City. As such, I find myself having to either trawl the internet in search of games or just play Red Dead Redemption again. Of course, I forgot that about 98% of internet games are terrible, and became very short of article ideas until I remembered that Minecraft has a new update out, so I’m going to talk about that. However I quickly realised that it’s pretty much the same as it has been for the last 6 updates; there’s potions now, though, just in case you were worried Minecraft didn’t quite have enough pointless shit before, and now there’s hardcore mode, which is essentially regular Minecraft, but the important distinction is if you die the game deletes your world and you have to start over. Now if there’s one thing I like it’s a challenge, and as a regular player it seemed to almost be my duty to try out the new update, so I decided to jump straight into that and record my thoughts. And if you don’t like it then kindly shut up, because it’s my webpage and I can do what I like.


I awoke to find myself in the middle of a forest, being stared at by a baby pig. Being the kind-hearted soul that I am, I quickly punched it to death and took the magical pork chop that fell from it. I decided that the next step was to get some wood, so after knocking down a tree by punching it (just like what doesn’t happen in the real world) I made some planks to build a little house. Dwelling thusly built, I happily ventured out into the big wide world to find supplies, and came across a decent-sized amount of coal. I merrily dug that coal until it dawned on me that it was getting dark and I had no idea where my house was. In a total Blair Witch Project moment I stumbled through the forest in the direction I thought my home was in, before realising that I had now become completely lost. After turning a corner to be confronted by 6 zombies and a murderous creeper I began to think that maybe this would be harder than I first thought. I’d just managed to pick up my left arm from the floor when I was sent to the game over screen.

Hindsight thus gained, I decided to start a new game and do exactly the same thing but make a trail from my house to wherever I’d end up. And it worked; I left my little house, armed with my wooden sword, and spent a glorious day chasing sheep around a field rather than doing anything productive. After a while I realised it was starting to get dark again and decided to follow my trail back to my house. This was a good idea up until the point when I realised that endermen had stolen large chunks of my trail and that, once again, I was lost in the woods. Sensing that things were going to end as badly as before, I dug down into the earth to protect myself whereupon I dug into a pit of lava and died in horrible fire-y agony. Things weren’t going well.

After starting again for a third time, I decided my day would now be uneventful so I built my little wooden house and staunchly refused to come out of the house until the next day, despite the best wishes of a skeleton who waited outside my door for the entire night trying to either piss through my letterbox or ask if I had a moment to talk about Jesus.


With some fresh perspective gained from the previous day’s endeavours, I set out on my great adventure once again. “Hmm”, thought I, as I punched a cow to death for my breakfast, “what would be a good thing to build in this forest of murderous spiders and baby pigs? Of course! A giant diamond cock and balls!”. So I set out in search of diamond and, after finding none on the surface (like there was ever going to be) I dug down into the depths of the earth where I promptly fell into yet another lava pool and died. Undeterred, I started yet another new game, and dug straight down into a cave. Realising that caves often hold various treasures I decided to brave it and look for diamond. At this point my admittedly delayed survival instinct kicked in, so I decided to go and gather supplies for my cave trek. Things were going well until, yet again, it started to get dark. It was even worse this time because, in my infinite wisdom, I had neglected to build shelter for the night. “I know!”, I thought, “I’ll just make a big stack of all my blocks of dirt and stand on top of it. That way the monsters won’t be able to reach me!”

So I stacked my blocks, and my tower was promptly surrounded by zombies, spiders, skeletons and murder shrubs. My plan was working perfectly until fate decided to once again rest its boot squarely between my testicles; the direction key on my laptop keyboard stuck down and my character ran straight off the tower and died. I could almost hear the embarrassed silence coming from the monsters as they wondered why they were bothering to chase me in the first place…

I decided that caving was definitely the way to go, so after starting a new game for the fifth time and loading myself down with torches and cow steaks I ventured into the nearest cave. Things were going well until I rounded a corner and unwittingly entered into a staring contest with a creeper. Weirdly, though, it seemed reluctant to attack; either the game was glitching or it remembered me from my tower incident the previous day and felt it would be kinder to just let me kill myself than make the effort to chase me. After a short pause I turned round only to see his mate running towards me with death in his eyes, and I was soon splattered against a nearby rock. Well played, suicide shrubs…


After resisting the urge to throw my laptop into the fucking ocean, and restarting the game for the bajillionth time, I decided to have one more go at doing anything other than die in this game. I ventured out into the forest one last time to gather some wood, and was chopping down a tree when my mouse slipped and I accidentally punched a nearby dog, who immediately ran over and mauled me to death. After disturbing my flatmates with my cries of anguish, I finally reached the end of my patience for this new game mode and went to do something more productive, like bang my head against a wall. My giant diamond cock would, unfortunately, remain forever un-built.

Look, it’s fine that Mojang want to make the game a bit more challenging for regular players who have no social interaction, but that’s what survival mode should have been for. Sure, you can just play creative mode, but the really regular players will look down on you for it, despite what they say. And now I’m out of jokes, so I’ll just finish by saying that Minecraft hardcore mode can go and eat a dick sandwich.


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